I got Trivia Ghosted in Indiana and it was just weird

Hey followers, Quinn David Furness writing to you LIVE from Bloomington, Indiana, population 85,000, and about half of those are Indiana University students. So I spend a lot of time on the road every fall recruiting …On average I’d say I probably go to about 10-15 different states. Off the top of my head, this fall I’m hitting 13 states, and no, Hawaii (my white whale, state #50, the last one I haven’t visited) is not on the agenda. I’m still hoping to go this winter but need to figure out when that’s gonna happen from a timing perspective. Then I just need to bite the bullet and do it. I’m thinking about going for about 5 days and doing an Airbnb close to Waikiki Beach. Ever since I saw the Wackiki Wabbit cartoon as a kid (link here) I’ve just had that itch to go visit ya know? My favorite part is that cool native drum music they get goin’, I really want a piece of that action. I will probably just stick to Oahu/Honolulu and do the touristy stuff and some hiking there. I think I would really enjoy the big island and the volcano hiking there seems sweet but I’m also pretty cheap and doing Hawaii on the cheap takes some finagling. Did I use that word right? Anyways, I haven’t talked about my love for Arcade Fire much in the past year, so if you wanna listen to what I’m listening to while writing this, check this out. Damn that’s the good stuff.

So you might be wondering to yourself “Hey! I forgot the Beantown Blog even existed!” Well I would say so did I, but I didn’t, I just haven’t been writing much lately. In fact I haven’t been super “creative” in general lately. Haven’t been playing much music, haven’t been performing standup, and haven’t been writing that much or really doing that much with the podcast honestly. It’s not a depression thing. I’m just in the middle of travel season and that has taken up September and August was busy just trying to squeeze the last bits of summer out then work picked up so I really just haven’t had as much time sitting at my desk. Rest assured though that the Beantown Blog is still here and new episodes of the Beantown Podcast do in fact still come out on a weekly basis!

So I’m in Bloomington, Indiana tonight, and although I’m not really looking to date anyone on the road (or do one night stands for that matter, ain’t nobody got time for that), I do like using social dating apps here and there to meet interesting people to see if they wanna get a drink, go to a concert, play trivia etc. Although I’m an introvert, I do like spending some of my free time getting to meet new people and learn from their experiences, particularly when I’m in a new environment like Bloomington, Indiana. I got a great introduction to the local culture through some of the fine god-fearing right-wing radio programs I was listening to on the drive over, but I yearned for more. I should also mention that I had a 4 hour drive yesterday from Iowa City to Champaign and the first 3 hours and 45 minutes were pretty bland as far as the radio goes. I was listening to this one rock station that was taking requests so I requested “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John and they said no. That was too bad. But anyways I finally find the classical station and of course RIGHT BEFORE I get to my hotel, they come out with Rach 2, which is more or less the greatest piece of music ever written. So I only got to catch the first movement! You better believe I turned on the 2nd and 3rd movements once I sat down with dinner Some people watch Fox News or porn or stuff while they’re eating dinner. I listen to Russian music.

So I’m talking to this IU student on Hinge, she’s perfectly attractive (again, not looking to date, just meet interesting people) but she’s one of those girls who describes herself as a “potato” and that whole culture and it’s not like those types of people are inherently lacking in self-confidence because they’re trying to make a joke out of it but after you continually self-deprecate yourself over and over again enough, it can really mess with your psyche. So it’s funny the first time, but when they keep on with that line of humor, I really start to worry about those people. That’s why I’m confident in my dad body. Hey, I welcome the lifestyle I chose. Work out 6 days a week. Don’t eat like complete shit but enjoy yourself. If that’s the recipe for a dad bod then I’m the head chef. So I’m talking to this IU girl and I’m like “what’re you up to tonight?” and she says “I’m playing trivia then I usually get a drink afterward” so I’m like “oh that’s perfect I would love to join you” and she’s like “sounds great!” and this was at about 4pm and trivia is apparently at 8. So I get to my hotel and quickly get a run and a shower in, then I drive 15 minutes to the trivia spot and I get there and it’s pretty deserted and I don’t see her. So I text her and say “Hey where are you at?” And time passes yada yada yada all you need to know is she definitely was not there, and I got trivia ghosted. That was a bummer because I don’t get to socialize that much on the road for obvious reasons so I was really looking forward to it. Oh well.. So I had to decide if I wanted to stay and play alone or go back to my hotel room and get work done, and me being a responsible adult, I left after my one beer and one round of trivia to go back to my room and do expense reports. No word on whether or not I won, but I can confirm that I did know the 10th chemical element that was also a car model was “Neon.” Who’s the master of science now, bitch

Update: I texted this person again on my way home just saying something kind like “Sorry I missed ya!” I’m a big fan of the kind text. And she responded right away and said “Omg lol I didn’t know you were serious.” This is why 20-year olds have such a bad reputation. Maybe next time I will use Grindr to find trivia mates.

(i still have this bathrobe by the way)

Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood [review]

Ok so so that new Quentin Tarantino movie (his 9th out of 10) Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood came out this past Thursday. First things first–what’s with the ellipses in the title? Kind of seems unnecessary. What does it add? You don’t add extra space to your speech when you’re saying it. I don’t really understand that. Do you think Tarantino has a lucrative endorsement agreement with the big ellipses companies? Someone should investigate.

For the most part, Tarantino’s movies all sort of revolve around how much he loves movies and Hollywood, and many of his films are driven by nostalgia (reflected in the fact that he’s now made 3 straight movies that revolve around the Western style), but this film takes it one step further: It is the literal embodiment of loving Hollywood and nostalgia. For better or for worse. Let’s start with the better, though. Oh, also, there will be some light spoilers. I say ‘light spoilers’ not because I’m holding anything back, but because this isn’t the type of movie that has a ton of huge plot points to give away. There’s some stuff in the 3rd act you don’t expect, particularly if you know the real history, but it doesn’t affect the overall film much. Spoiler alert nonetheless.

The first thing you notice about this movie is how well-acted it is, and that’s an especially interesting aspect of the movie because one of the 3 main characters (leonardo dicaprio) plays an actor in the movie, so try to not get confused. Anyways, Leo’s acting in this film was really spectacular–It looked like the type of role that would have been super fun to do. Brad Pitt was also good as Leo’s stunt double, but 99% of the acting Pitt does in the movie has nothing to do with Leo’s character. This movie is vintage Leo and Pitt, and there’s a large portion of the 2nd act that is just physically watching Leo act. While this was really long (see one of my criticisms below), it was fascinating at the same time.

Another thing I really liked is something you often take for granted in Tarantino movies so I wanted to make a point of mentioning it: The cinematography here was a ton of work and it ended up looking spectacular. You can tell Tarantino was having a ton of fun recreating sets from the 60s and transforming LA in general into this golden age vision he has. I have some big broad-sweeping issues with Tarantino having full control over his movies now (limited to no studio involvement) (see my criticisms below), but his cinematography is one thing that really benefits from his pure direction.

The last positive point I’ll make here is that it was a pretty entertaining movie–You do definitely start to feel the run time in the 2nd act, but in general with the great acting and the beautiful cinematography, you don’t actually get ‘bored,’ you just wonder what the purpose of a particular scene is, or why Tarantino chose to make it 15 minutes and not something more reasonable like 5 or 6. Let’s shift gears here though and look at some negatives. I have a lot of them.

2 hours and 40 minutes is REALLY long. The 2nd act in particular feels like it’s own separate movie. Leo spends the whole day acting, and it feels like you’re watching him for a whole day. He goes to makeup. He has a terribly long conversation with one of the other actors. He acts. He throws a fit in his trailer. He has another conversation with one of the other actors. He goes back and acts again. It was neat that they did a lot of single take type scenes, but man, it really starts to drag. This is where I got confused by the movie–I was about 90 minutes in and I had no idea what the plot or purpose of the movie was. If you say the plot of the movie surrounds the Manson murders (which is how the film was advertised), then you better be prepared to wait out the first 2 hours of the movie. It’s not that the first two acts aren’t entertaining, it’s just that they feel almost completely disconnected to the 3rd act in which ‘everything’ happens.

Frankly, when I see a Tarantino movie, I’m expecting a decent amount of humor, even if it’s really dark humor. There were a few occasions throughout the film where I let out an audible chuckle, but the ratio of runtime to audible chuckles wasn’t great. In that same vein, and related to the first negative point, the overall pacing, while not awful, was confusing at times. The 2nd act just feels like Tarantino playing with himself and seeing how much of a tribute to the golden age of cinema he can make while the 3rd act felt like an entire comedy-horror movie packed into 40 minutes.

What’s with the toes in this movie? There are two distinct scenes here where the toes are out in full display–Once when the brunette Manson girl is in Pitt’s car, and once when Margot Robbie is watching herself at the theater. I didn’t know Tarantino had a foot fetish before this, but after watching this and doing some other research on Uma Thurman, it’s all coming together. It was distracting. It didn’t add anything to the movie. It wasn’t interesting. I felt like I was watching Rex Ryan make a movie. I’m not even one of those people who’re grossed out by toes. I just didn’t get it. Shrug.

Ok, by far my biggest criticism and the one that really bugs me: Tarantino treats his female characters like s**t in this movie, and he doesn’t really seem to care. Let’s start with Margot Robbie. She’s advertised as one of the 3 main characters. She portrays Sharon Tate, a real life figure with a fascinating story. So what does Sharon Tate do in this movie? Nothing. Literally nothing. She goes to a party. She dances a bit. She goes to the movies. She has about 7 seconds of dialogue. Tarantino makes this really intriguing historical popular figure into a barbie doll. An object. Not a sexual object thankfully, but just an object. My dog could’ve played that part just as well, because Margot Robbie was given absolutely nothing to do. I spent just about the entire runtime waiting for her to either do something interesting or link up with some of the characters we actually care about. Nahhhh, not gonna do any of that. Thanks!

Margot Robbie’s not the only female who gets shafted big time in this movie though. Kurt Russell’s character’s wife is in the movie for about 20 seconds. She’s the only prominent female on a set. She’s portrayed as super cranky and bossy. Great! Oh, and lest we not forget about Brad Pitt’s character’s wife either! Also annoying and irritating. BIG SPOILER ALERT AHEAD. Oh, and the fact that Brad Pitt killed her and got away with it? Tarantino wants us to view that as the joke. That’s the joke. I feel like I missed something. Then you have Dakota Fanning as Squeaky Fromme. Super creepy and wildly intriguing female character. Meh, let’s get her in there for 30 seconds. And finally, and a lot of people have been forgetting this, but Leo gets married between the 2nd and 3rd acts. His new wife? Some Italian floozy who’s given no character and is just a parody. Great. I don’t think movies have to follow Title IX regulations. Not every movie has to be about women as much as it is about men. But this movie makes its women look awful, and it’s extremely intentional about it. This was a huge turn off.

Overall, while the movie looks good and the acting performances from Leo and Pitt are great, the whole thing just feels super drowsy. I can’t imagine watching this at home on my couch–I’d be asleep 45 minutes in. SO DRAWN OUT. Not a ton of momentum, and we’re not really sure if we should be rooting for the main characters or not as one is a crying alcoholic manchild (Leo–it’s funny but doesn’t necessarily make you want to get behind him), a murderer (Pitt, who I go back and forth on regarding his hero or anti-hero status), and Margot Robbie, who again, gets absolutely nothing to do. Overall, this was basically a movie about how great it was to be a white man in the 60s. Everyone else (even Bruce Lee!) is treated like dog crap in this film. It’s clear Tarantino is crazy-nostalgic for the past, but if it’s the past he’s envisioning in Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood, eh, I’m good.

Yo..Stranger Things 3 kinda sucked [spoilers and not the fun kind in cars]

UNPOPULAR OPINION AHEAD. Well, it’s unpopular depending on whom you ask. Did you like my prim and proper usage of the word ‘whom?’ What on earth is up with the word prim? Remember in Hunger Games when Prim originally gets chosen to represent District 9? BTW District 9 is one of those movies that I loved but have never made the time to go back and watch. Idk man, there are just so many good movies out there it can be hard to make time to rewatch the ones you really liked. Plowing ahead here however, I was feeling a little drowsy earlier this afternoon because I didn’t get my lunchtime workout in (long story with a stupid explanation, essentially the system that allows access to the locker room was down and it was working for some people but not for others so I still could’ve worked out because my card was working for the actual gym just not for the locker room which was really stupid but I wouldn’t have been able to shower then I woulda showed back up to my office all sweaty and my office is the kind of place where it’s like better not to be sweaty. If I was in construction or an NHL all-star or something I think the sweat would be more understandable but working a 9-5 office job with air conditioning kind of makes it seem like either you have a big gastrointestinal problem or you’ve been watching District 9 at your desk and it’s the kind of movie that scares you although really it’s not that scary) so I am on my second cup of coffee for the day which is not normal for me. I guess what I’m trying to say here is if this comes off as a little jittery, you know why. Last thing–I have no regard for spoilers in this article so if you haven’t seen it and don’t want it to be spoiled, you should stop here. Let’s get to what I actually wanted to say though:

Stranger Things 3 was really awful.

Alright alright before you whip out your pitchforks lemme lay some ground rules down. The most important thing is that I’m not saying it was terrible in a vacuum. If this was the only season and we didn’t have 2 whole other seasons worth of knowledge to build upon, I’d actually say this was pretty good. That being said, I’m not calling Season 3 awful by comparative standards–I don’t think that’s a great way to judge a show. Without further ado, here are my gripes.

They totally botched David Harbour’s character – Oh, one thing you should know about me is that I definitely know the actor’s names better than the character’s names, so you’ll have to bear with me on that front. Yo so in the first two seasons, Hopper is this lovable dad bod police chief who is rough around the edges but still very much a likable protagonist. Like in Season 2 he was Millie Bobby Brown’s dad and dancing around and you could really get behind him. Season 3? Alcoholic, emotionally abusive, really irritating, and just a guy across the board you feel no reason to root for. Oh, remember when he and Joyce casually stroll into Cary Elwes’ office and Harbour is about to casually cut his finger off AFTER he beats the s**t out of him? I’m not really sure what the Duffer Brothers were going for here–The overall terrible-ness of this character is not subtle in any way so it was definitely on purpose. Were they trying to make Harbour a more complicated protagonist? If so, it missed the mark horrifically.

Sometimes Millie Bobby Brown (let’s go with MBB) has powers and sometimes they’re really powerful powers and sometimes they’re pretty weak powers and then other times she just doesn’t have any powers anymore – Honestly feels like I kinda nailed it right on the head with the headline there but allow me to expand. This criticism isn’t completely exclusive to Season 3, as I’ve had major gripes with it in the past as well. Any time you decide you’re going to give a character psychic powers, it’s REALLY tough to do it well because that can be anything from bending spoons to physically entering other people’s minds and using their body as a vessel. Lots of room in between those two, right? I have a similar criticism of Stephen King’s 2013 novel Doctor Sleep (which is still worth the read by the way especially in anticipation of the Ewan McGregor film coming out later this fall). So at certain points in Season 3, MBB is strong enough to beat the crap out of the demagorgons or mind fillets or whatever we’re going with this season, and then at other points she can’t hold a candle to the thing. Then right at the end we get the FUN twist where all of a sudden she just doesn’t have powers anymore. Because that thing bit her on the leg? Oh, and on that topic, I don’t remember who stomped on the little guy that crawled out of her leg, but isn’t the whole point of this season’s monster that it can make itself into different shapes (e.g., as thin as possible) and crawl through cracks under doors (like in the hospital scene)? So how does stomping it ‘kill’ it in any way? Sigh.

For god’s sake we HAVE to have more compelling villains moving forward – I get it: The mysterious Russians without much of a detailed vision or plan is a total homage to all the 80s Cold War stuff, but it kinda feels like we’re now 3 seasons into this sort of villainy and frankly, it’s gotten a little stale. Like, are the Russians trying to open up the Upside Down gate just for poops and giggles? Do they have a plan? Are they trying to weaponize the Upside Down? All these questions may have answers, but we really don’t have any answers, and it doesn’t come across as thrilling and mysterious, it just comes across as lazy. And then what’s with this Terminator ripoff? If he’s really that strong and muscular and invincible, there really isn’t any reason why he didn’t kill everyone he wanted to in the first couple episodes. You can’t make a guy bulletproof (literally) then have him end up losing a fist fight to the drunk dad bod at the end just for the story. That is unbelievable and not in the good way like “Oh my gosh your ability to shotgun that pizza is unbelievable” (actual words I heard from a then-girlfriend but then she dumped me the day after so who’s laughing now???)

I’m pretty sure the writers forgot about all of the familial relationships and dynamics they created in the first two seasons – If you just watched Stranger Things Season 3, I’m like 95% positive you would have absolutely no clue that the following people are related: [Wolfhard, Natalia, and hot pool mom] [Bowlcut, bowlcut jr, and Winona] [redhead and Dacre]. Honestly, do Wolfhard and Natalia even speak to each other in this season? Do we get anything between the two bowlcuts? I think there’s one hug at the very end between bullcut jr and Winona. Redhead doesn’t seem to be all that concerned that her gd brother is the bad guy until the end when she (SPOILER) watches him get eaten by the demigorgon. But on that note, what’s the deal with MBB like entering his mind and going to the past and all of a sudden that switches him from being a vessel for the mind fillet back to regular Dacre? Is it possible to weaponize this power? Whatever happened to that female lifeguard? One of the best parts about the creation of Stranger Things was the family dynamics and relationships. Those were about as close to irrelevant as you could get this season. It doesn’t make Season 3 worse in a vacuum, but we’ve invested a lot of time in these relationships and to see an entire season go by where we completely neglect them is just really disappointing.

Natalia and Bowlcut in Season 3 are the equivalent of Finn and Rose in Star Wars 8 – Seriously: They pretty much spend the entire season on a side quest that is neither interesting nor terribly important. It honestly feels like the writers had absolutely no idea what to do with these characters so they just forgot about em. Coming into this season, Jonathan was supposed to be someone we liked hesitantly but weren’t completely committed to as an individual but he really shined when with Winona and bowlcut jr. This season? Oh let’s completely remove him from those relationships and give him nothing to do. And as for Natalia? Borrrrinngggggg. Seriously, the ice cream scoop lesbian girl was way more compelling just out of the dialogue she’s given but we just met her and we’ve already sunk hours and hours into Natalia. I just kept waiting for Natalia and Bowlcut to get to do something actually interesting but instead we just watched them recreate the plot of Spotlight for 5 minutes every episode. Oh well.

Other random things I hated

The Coke scene.

I did the math and 84% of all words spoken in this season were curse words. I don’t care that much but it was ridiculous and distracting.

The Susie song – So many better ways to add some comic relief to that part. That was high level cringe stuff.

I didn’t actually love what they did with Dacre this season–I thought he was super compelling in Season 2 and this season it was just like “oh ok you’re the bad guy” but you’re not even Dacre, you’re the demagorgon impersonating a person. A little bit too much like Terry O’Quinn at the end of LOST for me.

I honestly felt like not that much actually happened this season–It was SO drawn out and the episodes started to feel CRAZY formulaic about halfway through. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say I felt bored not because there wasn’t any action, but because the action didn’t feel like there was that much at stake.

So there you have it. To me, Season 3 was still enjoyable. I don’t normally watch an entire season of a show in less than 6-12 months, so doing it in 5 days was a pretty big accomplishment for me. What did you dislike about Stranger Things 3? Did you absolutely love it? How did it stack up to other seasons for you? Let us know in the comments or email us at beantownpodcast@yahoo.com. Thanks for reading–Catch ya later!

Spoiler Statute of Limitations

Hey Beaners

You probably thought I was dead didn’t you! While we’ve been busy with the podcast and our BRAND new Father’s Day song for 2019 (posted below), it’s been about a month since we posted on the blog, which is the longest drought we’ve had since we launched in the winter. If you haven’t been following the show, it’s been a super busy time for us as I packed up shop and moved to Chicago. Between the new apartment, new job, connections with new and old friends, the couch getting, the NBA Finals and Stanley Cup watching, and the live tweeting (boy, that’s a lot of things to be in between all at once. Reminds me of the Oscars after party at Lady Gaga’s condo), I just haven’t had a lot of time to sit down at my desk and write. Frankly, there were 2 days there in between jobs where I wasn’t even employed and didn’t even have a desk. What happens if you’re in between jobs and you get in an accident or have a medical emergency and you don’t have health insurance? Like if I was driving from Baltimore to Chicago and I chipped my tooth on a slim jim at a rest stop in Toledo, what’s the deal? Am I just eating that cost? No pun intended??? These are the things I think about. Anyways, here’s the Father’s Day song. Hope you like it


Ok so on my other show I co-host, the White Noise Podcast (now available on Stitcher), my buddy and co-host Matt and I were discussing Gladiator and I accidentally spoiled the 3rd act of the film, except Gladiator came out in 2000 so I don’t really feel like mentioning that Joaquin Phoenix stabs Russell Crowe is much of a spoiler, not to mention anyone could have seen that coming anyways. Did you know Gladiator came out on Cinco de Mayo? That’s appropriate because in the movie apparently Russell Crowe is like half spanish and half italian. Eh mama mia! At what point did we stop referring to Romans as Romans and refer to them as Italians? You never hear someone in 2019 be like “oh she’s a pretty good looking Roman broad” and that’s probably more because of Title IX and #metoo, but you know what I’m saying? When did we make that shift? And who was Roman Polanski? That’s the guy hanging out in Europe cuz the US wants to nail him, right? Shouldn’t the UN be able to do something about that? That was probably the worst part about the Obamadministration–Why couldn’t we nail that guy? And what about Ray Lewis?? He straight up killed a dude

So to get back to the actual purpose of this blog post, what’s the statute of limitations on movie spoilers? Does it depend on the type of movie? Remember in that one Seinfeld episode when Frank is talking about Harrison Ford jumping out of the helicopter in Firestorm but Mr. Ross is like ‘yo homeboy I haven’t seen that one yet!” I think I really would’ve liked Firestorm a lot–I kind of imagine it as Air Force One but with a more badass villain (no offense to Gary Oldman but it was kind of a meh from me) and a more action hero-esque Harrison Ford (think more like Temple of Doom). I think something like 3 months is enough time to hold onto the spoilers, unless it’s a movie where the whole thing is the twist. For instance, I wouldn’t ever want to spoil The Sixth Sense, Memento, or Shutter Island to you because while they’re great movies even if you understand how they work before getting into them, they’re frankly way less fun. On the other hand, if you tell me that Joaquin Phoenix stabs Russell Crowe in Gladiator, well I kind of feel like any dummy could have figured something like that was gonna occur at some point. Similarly, telling me that Stinky Pete is actually a bad guy in Toy Story 2 really doesn’t feel that bad to me. So I guess I’m saying it’s a judgment call. Sorry to anyone who hasn’t seen Gladiator or Toy Story 2 yet. It really feels like you missed the boat on those ones.

That’s about all I got. Thanks for reading my blog, and don’t forget to subscribe if you haven’t already. Hopefully I’ll be on here more frequently now that I’m settling in to more of a routine. Happy June!

Game of Thrones Recap

So this past weekend was the Game of Thrones finale! WOW! I’d never seen an episode before but I know a lot of people are probably looking for a trusted source to provide some sort of recap. I get it–If you watch all of Game of Thrones, it takes like 73 hours, whereas I could just tell you exactly what happened on my Beantown Blog.

So in order to understand the series finale you have to know a little bit about what happened beforehand. So Sean Bean is Ned Stark and it’s looking like he’s gonna be the King of Game of Thrones early on but then it’s like the JFK Assassination and he dies at the end of season one. The next 6 seasons are just a lot of whodunnit type stuff where you try to figure out who killed Sean Bean and also why. It’s worth noting too that there’s this kid named Raisin Bran or Bran for short and he got pushed out of a window by a dragon I think. Then there’s Jon Snow who apparently is a ghost? Idk, they were saying something about a ghost. Then there’s the blonde chick, Emilia Clarke, and she’s not really important except she gave birth to some dragon eggs so she can control them so she’s pretty overpowered so it’s kinda silly what happens to her later but I’m getting there. Then you have Sophie Turner who is also not too hard on the eyes, seems like she’s kinda doing her own thing. Oh don’t let me forget about Peter Dinklage, who I know mostly from Elf but he’s pretty good in this one too. I think there are some KKK guys too but in Game of Thrones they call them whitewalkers but they weren’t in the finale so we don’t really have to talk about them. That was a big misstep by the writers. And the red wedding is where they killed Jaime Lannister I think? Idk, everyone’s always talking about Jaime but you don’t actually see him so I bet he died or the writers forgot about him. And there’s the young brunette girl who everyone was talking about a few weeks ago cuz she got nailed LIVE on TV and I would link you to that clip but it’s pretty NSFW and the Beantown Blog is a family operation. If you’re curious though from what I can tell it seems like Game of Thrones is mostly Emilia Clarke having sex. It’s kind of like Shameless but with dragons and Ed Sheerhan and less William H Macy. Did you know that he and Felicity Huffman are a couple but he avoided the college admissions scandal? That’s crazy. Good for him

So the Game of Thrones finale, which I think was titled something like “Lust for Power” or something opens and it kinda looks like Chernobyl after the reactor melted down, or present day Mississippi. A lot of crumbling buildings and apparently it’s snowing which makes sense cuz the motto of the show is ‘winter is coming’ which i thought was a sexual innuendo at first but now I’m not sure. So Dinklage is walking through the rubble in like super slo mo. Eventually he sees his grandparents who got killed in a building collapse of some kind, i didn’t really understand that part. Then Emilia Clarke comes out and she’s going like full on Julianne Moore from Hunger Games 3 mode, like I get that when you’re hot it boosts your self-confidence but this is taken to a whole new level. And I’ll also add she doesn’t speak english very well cuz I think she was giving a speech in some sort of congolese dialect? Not sure, I didn’t understand it. Then Jon Snow and Dinklage are just hanging out and also the young brunette girl who was getting nailed earlier and they kind of make it seem like something’s gonna go down but nothing goes down and it’s honestly a pretty big letdown.

So then they put Dinklage in prison because he’s short? Idk, I expected better from Emilia Clarke. They don’t really explain it but oh well. Then Jon Snow and Dinklage are talking in his prison cell for what seems like about 47 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s not even a compelling conversation. It’s rather bland. I don’t think the Jon Snow guy is really a good actor. Basically Dinklage wants Snow to get rid of Emilia Clarke which makes sense because Emilia is gonna kill dinklage I think but like if you’re Jon Snow and you get to come home to Emilia Clarke every night? Hot Dog. Photo for reference:

So then Jon Snow goes to the rooftop where Emilia Clarke’s hanging out and they talk a little bit but it’s not really that interesting. Then they kiss but then he stabs her! Like no one saw that coming. Honestly I kinda wished they would’ve banged before any killing because one of the big appeals of Game of Thrones is that it’s basically porn with swords but this episode didn’t have any of the former. So now she’s dead but then that dragon shows up. I heard she had a couple but apparently the other ones were busy. But then the dragon doesn’t kill Jon Snow which makes no sense and he just blows up the chair which is like ??? Then the dragon, I think its name was like Dungeon or something, takes off and you’re like is that it? And apparently that’s it, the dragon just leaves and doesn’t come back. walk away bitch. Then we get like this stupid fellowship of the ring style roundtable discussion with all these white dudes we’ve frankly never met before which is a real kick in the crotch for the last 30 minutes of an 8-season show. It also has Sophie Turner and Dinklage and the brunette who was getting it a few episodes and it also has the one token black guy. Every show has to have one. I think his name is Grey Hound. So Grey Hound is there with dinklage and he wants to kill dinklage but the council is like “whoa there hold on buddy” and there’s another 20 minutes of REALLY boring dialogue and eventually they choose the invalid who apparently didn’t die when Dungeon the Dragon pushed him out of the window in the previous season. Raisin Bran, I remember his name now.

So at the end apparently they let Dinklage go free and now he’s got a cushy job as like Raisin Bran’s chief advisor. Sophie Turner is also queen apparently? I guess she and Bran are married but I didn’t see that so must’ve been when I was in the bathroom. The brunette from earlier is doing some sort of Ponce de Leon crap, maybe looking for more exotic men to sleep with. I also forgot to mention Captain Phasma is in this show (she’s like 9 feet tall) but they don’t really give her anything to do. She’s writing in some sort of book which is a pretty clear rip off of Samwise Gamgee at the end of Return of the King but oh well!!! And they send Jon Snow to do KnightWatch with this other guy named Dortmund I think and they have a pet dog with red eyes and it seems like they’re mainly just shepherding immigrants through the woods? You don’t really know where they’re going or why they’re all the way up there, they don’t really do a good job of explaining it which was stupid.

And honestly that’s pretty much it. Everyone was always talking about all the sex and incest and Sean Bean and KKK dudes or ‘white walkers’ and Ed Sheerhan and Will Champion from Coldplay but honestly this finale was like 75 minutes of REALLY slow and boring conversation that really didn’t mean much and like 1 interesting set piece with Emilia Clarke and Jon Snow. So at the end of the day we didn’t learn anything more about Sean Bean’s killers OR his parents which sucked because it kind of seems like they just gave up on that storyline. Suffice to say I will not be watching anymore of this show!

Quinn’s rating: TWO THUMBS DOWN

return of Memphis and DONUts

hey cyberspace, quinn david furness coming to you LIVE from tennessee. For those loyal beantown podcast friends of the podcast, or ‘beaners’ as they are affectionately known, you might remember one year ago when we did a podcast LIVE from the banks of the Mississippi in Memphis looking across the river to Arkansas (to refresh your memory, head here)

Well it’s one year later in 2019 and I was back in Memphis this week. Probably the best thing about Memphis is Gibson’s Donuts. For those of you who aren’t as informed, Gibson’s has the best donuts in the world. Now I know all you PNW SJW snobs are gonna try to come @ me in regards to Voodoo, but let me tell you what the difference is. Voodoo is all about creating a spectacle. The 30 min line running out the door, the exorbitant prices, the psychedelic colors and all that jazz, oh and also the pink boxes. It’s fun, I get it. But here’s what I want when I go to get donuts–I want damn good donuts. I don’t want the glitz, I don’t want the glam, they’re donuts, not a Poison cover band. Gibson’s is where it is AT.

So I didn’t have time to relax on the banks of the Mississippi because we were running around the city for work, but I did get my Gibson’s–3 classic old fashioneds with a light glaze, and 3 New Orleans donuts. I’d never even HEARD of a New Orleans donut until an Emory alum on Wednesday told me about them. Mercy mercy me. Basically imagine a donut hole but about twice as big and just solid like a rock. Those babies were SUPA HOT FIRE. If you ever get the chance, they’ll change your life.

Last thing–I’m gonna be in Vegas for the Kentucky Derby this weekend and I’m thinking about maybe throwing some $$$ on Win Win Win. What are your thoughts? I don’t usually bet/gamble but I might throw $20 out there just to see what happens, only cuz I’m in Vegas. Who do you like this weekend now that Omaha Beach is out? That was such a good horse name too…This weekend on the podcast I’ll be debuting my 2019 Top 10 Horse Names! As a reminder, ‘Pentateuch’ is currently in the #1 slot, 9 others still to be announced! Peace

What Easter Taught Me About Writing Sermons

First off, let me appeal to my Christian base by saying CHIRST IS RISEN. And for all you Jews out there, don’t think I forgot about you. It’s getting tougher and tougher to find lamb’s blood at the grocery store in the 21st century, but if you shop at the Halal places, you can usually find it. Have you guys ever considered teaming up for like a Halal/Kosher thing? It kind of all sounds the same to us gentiles anyways. All I’m saying is in this economy when everyone’s tightening their belts, any opportunity you can get to pinch some pennies is probably worth it for you guys. I always kinda felt like the Christians were the instigators historically anyways. Feels like Jews and Muslims kind of understand each other and then the Christians just bust into the Middle East like the Kool Aid Man and it all goes to hell, literally.

Anyways, thanks to all who’ve listened to my Easter Sermon from this past Sunday. If you’re curious, I decided I wanted to do it at about noon on Saturday, so when I got home from work, I made some mimosas, opened up my laptop, and started to write. I’ve never written a sermon before, so this was a relatively new experience for me. Despite all the Bible classes I took growing up homeschooled, sermon writing was usually reserved for the Ph.D. in Bible people. However, in scripture, the LORD says “Let he who hath received the word of GOD deliver it to his people” or something like that. I assume that’s a Bible verse somewhere. So I went to the GOSPEL [John 20 specifically] to find the whole thing where they find the empty tomb and then Jesus appears on the road to Emmaus, all that good stuff. I assume the same thing happens in some of the other Gospels too, but I like John because he seems like a straight shooter. So basically I just cut out the Mary Magdalene part because I’m still protesting ‘The Last Temptation of Christ’ but I read the rest of the chapter. Here’s what I learned from writing my sermon:

If you want a really effective sermon, you have to channel a few people to get in the right mood: First, Darrell Waltrip. You know him from his racing days or his announcing days. Boogity Boogity Boogity let’s go racing boys, that guy. The man has an accent like you wouldn’t believe. Another person is this counselor I work with in Nashville (who shall remain nameless), but that person is like if Paula Dean wasn’t a flaming racist. The last person is the LORD because you have to feel INSPIRED to deliver the message. Honestly, I was really happy with how my voice lasted throughout the half hour. There were some moments where it started to fade a bit but I got right back on the horse and kicked into high gear. I thank the mimosas for that but mostly I thank the LORD.

So another really good thing to do is share a good story. Having done some work in Appalachia recently, I’ve heard lots of stories about coal miners and about how OBAMA is destroying our economy and don’t get me started on OBAMACARE and OBAMATAPPING but this is a separate topic. So I hear a lot of stories, and one I heard was about how you have to have that one guy who goes into the shaft before anyone else to test for methane gas. And I thought to myself, gee that sounds a lot like our LORD JESUS CHRIST. My point here being it’s a good idea to have a tangible story for your audience to really grasp on to. You really can’t afford to lose your audience in the middle of a sermon. Some people like to do the story first and then kind of interweave that scripture passage in there, but if I’m being honest, that’s a little bit more work, and I only had about an hour to write a half hour long sermon.

One other thing that is good to do is improvise. If you’re curious, about 90% of the words I spoke in my sermon had been written out beforehand and I was essentially doing a monologue (but with DIVINE PASSION which is important to remember) for 30 minutes, but there were some classic moments where I went off script and let the LORD guide me. You remember that bit around Deal or No Deal? I said something like “God is the banker, and he wants you to take that deal. The deal of ETERNAL LIFE’ — And it’s way better in my Darrell Waltrip-esque accent. ARE YOU GONNA TAKE THAT DEAL?

That’s pretty much what I wanted to say. Thank you all for reading–Year Two has been a challenging one over here in Beantown but it’s special episodes like this that make it worth it. This weekend we have a show from Chicago and then I’m happy to announce that next weekend, we’ll have our first ever show from LAS VEGAS (and maybe the first ever Beantown Podcast from the Mountain Time Zone? But not actually cuz I just googled ‘time in las vegas’ and apparently it’s in Pacific. What a tease) Q Out.

Northwestern Men’s Basketball Assistant Head Coach – A Cover Letter

Dear Athletic Director James J Phillips,

My name is Quinn David Furness and you probably know me from that one time I went to a Northwestern basketball game. You also may have seen my middle school basketball highlights on Facebook or wherever. Jim, I’m gonna be frank. I live, eat, and breathe hoops and that’s the move. I’m gonna tell you exactly what you want: You need a fighter. You need a motivator. More importantly, you need your basketball program to start doing something, otherwise Morty is maybe not gonna be too pleased next time you negotiate your contract.

I’m kind of a maverick. Think Mark Cuban has a love child with Dirk Nowitzki, but whiter. In addition, you should see the pants I’m wearing right now. I call them my ‘Stepback Js,’ because when I throw them on, I just can’t miss. And lemme tell ya, this cover letter just can’t miss. Now, you might be wondering outside of my middle school glory days, how much experience do I really have. Allow me to introduce you to the Baltimore Volo City recreational league, co-ed, B group (below the A group), that met on Thursday nights at Francis Scott Key Elementary School last spring. Oh boy. Here is just a taste of my season stats: 0 points. A handful of assists. An absolute block machine down on the block, like J-Lo. What I lacked in offensive talent, I more than made up for in bulldog mentality, good looks, and Wildcat Spirit. Also charisma.

Here’s the thing: I am a family man. Just like our head coach, Chris Collins, is. Because his dad, Doug, used to be a good coach too. So we all love our families. Two weeks ago, and you may have seen this, on Facebook, I launched a poll for my friends asking them if I should get a kid in 2019. The results were overwhelmingly unanimous. 52-48% said yes I should. That’s better than Brexit. This displays how much I care for my family and also every Sunday we do a family chat that kind of resembles the ESPN program ‘Around the Horn’ with those guys from ESPN. Sports.

I have spent a lot of time on the northwestern campus in my lifetime. I did my graduate degree there and it took me almost 12 months. That’s longer than a basketball season. Let me ask you this: Have you ever seen ‘Moneyball?’ This is what I bring to the table. Brad Pitt’s looks combined with Billy Beane’s analytics combined with Bennett Miller’s directing. In college athletics, they are kind of the godhead three in one. In conclusion, I can touch the net. If you know what I mean.


Quinn David Furness

What kind of Lite is best?

so a lot of people i know think it’s pretty sacrilegious to drink any sort of light or lite beer. they say “oh it tastes like piss water” or “ew this is gross” or some sort of combination of those two things. Or they say something different than those two things. But I gotta tell ya, I sometimes see the merits of drinking some of the lite stuff. Sometimes you just wanna go hangout and be social without packing in the calories. Trust me, I would love to be able to always throw back a couple 12% Troegs and I would look good doing it, but my beltbuckle would never make it. Plus in this economy, everyone’s tightening their belts a little bit.

Don’t sue me. I still like the regular beers more than the lite stuff, but hey, sometimes if you’re posted up at a bar for 2-3 hours watching the big game, you don’t wanna drink your whole day’s worth of calories in the process. Which lite beer do you like best? Let us know at beantownpodcast@yahoo.com or leave us a comment here or tweet at us @beantowncast. I don’t think I can really differentiate between bud lite, miller lite, coors lite, natty lite, or any of those other lite beers. keystone light? I’ve heard that’s a thing but I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen it.

Pennsylvania is the Keystone State, but what exactly is a keystone? Keystone kinda makes me think of those houses that have keys hidden under a plant or the welcome mat or something else. What if you had a house and you decided to hide your key under a stone? Maybe Pennsylvania has a lot of those houses. I think Pennsylvania is a nice little state there. There’s a lot of geographic and sociocultural diversity. Pittsburgh and Philly are super different and in between you got some nice lil mountains and Valley Forge also is one of my favorite places ever. Very beautiful!

So until next time, don’t forget to tip your bartender! Q out

Surprise Parties Hurt People

Yeah that’s right. Quinn David Furness back at you with some hard-hitting social commentary. Been a quiet week over here in Beantown–Last week’s Birthday/St. Patty’s Day shenanigans were fun but also tiring. I’ve been sleeping like a hibernating grizzly bear the past few nights. So much so that I slept right through my alarm yesterday morning and managed to get from bed-to-office in 37 minutes. Now THAT’S the devastating quickness, speed, and agility that’ll get me drafted one of these days. Hopefully into the NBA and not the military.

So you’re probably asking yourself “Surprise parties?” Quinn you don’t even party, what do you know about partying. That’s where I come in. I don’t party because often times I’m not invited. Usually it’s just because I’m a terrible person that no one wants to be around, but sometimes it’s because it’s a surprise party and I’m not invited for one specific reason–The organizer doesn’t know me (or that I’m friends with the surprisee). This brings me to my main point. Surprise parties. We love them. We’ve all been to one. Well, most of us have. This brings me to my main point again. Surprise parties seem like a great idea in theory–Some of life’s greatest joys can be found in surprises. Like when your tax refund is more than you expected. Or when John Wick was actually one of the best action movies in recent memory. Or when my parents found out I was going to be born. I. Love. Surprises.

But allow me to break down some hard-hitting truth for you. When you’re organizing a surprise party for the surprisee, you inherently cannot actually know who all to invite because you can’t actually know who all of the surprisee’s friends are. This is an issue. While 90% of the surprisee’s friends will be enjoying the mirth and merriment of a gay old romp (don’t google ‘gay old romp’), 10% of the friends are gonna be left out. Now, back in the 18th and 19th centuries before we had social media, this wasn’t a big deal. If you miss the surprise party, it’s no biggie because you won’t find out until your horse and buggie go into town two weeks later. But in the age of instachats and tumblers and napsters and friendsters and myspace and linkedin and angry birds and google+ and askjeeves and bing and ebay and unlimited nights and weekends, people are constantly connected to one another.

So here’s proposal. I’m not anti-party–I love to party. One time we were over at a family friend’s house for a birthday party. I was like 11-12 probably, and we were having a gay old time and I decided it would be a ‘coming out’ of sorts via dance. Not in a homosexual way, but in like a ‘White boy’s got dance moves’ type of way. And I don’t even remember what song was playing, probably something by Rob Thomas or Skillet, and I just absolutely went off. I was doing kickstands, breakboxes, pirouettes, halfpipes, all the good ones you know, and I think it was all on video but I don’t have the video. ALSO the night before senior year homecoming I decided I was gonna do some sick breakdancing at the dance, so I went to Kroger to get some of those frozen potato skins (the TGI Fridays brand) and Hot Pockets and I went home, heated those babies up, and went into the basement where I realized I was actually really out of shape and also didn’t have any good moves so after like 20 minutes I went to the computer to play some FIFA instead. So yes, I absolutely love to party, and it’s not close. All I’m saying is hey, let’s cool it with the surprises. How about planning the party in conjunction with the birthday boy/girl? That way no one gets left out, every one can have their TGI Fridays, and we’ll all have a gay old time.

i am actually wearing this belt rn at work but it’s around my waist not my head