10 Tips for Surviving a Heat Wave

Hey guys, Quinn David Furness here coming in HOT (pun intended) with an all new Beantown Blog post. No, I’m not as prolific with the blog as I once was, but hey, I really wanted that Euphoria Season 2 finale recap to marinate. I thought about doing a whole blog post about the This is Us series finale last month, but I don’t know, two TV reviews in a row, who am I, Roger Ebert? So let’s not do a whole separate post, but let’s pay a little tribute to the show that had us laughing, crying, and checking our watches to see how much time was left in the episode.

For anyone who’s never seen This is Us, welcome to my world. I knew it starred Sterling K Brown and a crockpot, but beyond that, I was clueless. So there I am thrown smack dab into the middle of the emotional final season. And if you don’t know anything about the way this show is structured, it is going to be absolutely mind-boggling. Did you know they do the show in multiple different time periods? Meaning we get to see 6 year old Sterling K Brown, 22 year SKB, 47 year old SKB, and so on and so forth. The crock pot does not age well, either. But here’s the big kicker: Mandy Moore, who in real life is still somehow only 38 (wasn’t Princess Diaries from like 1994??), portrays her character throughout all the time periods. So while you have a CGI Gary Coleman portraying the 12 year old Sterling, Sterling portraying the 40 year old Sterling, and Samuel L Jackson portraying the 73 year old Sterling, you’ve got Mandy doing all her own parts. Now look, from a paycheck perspective, it’s genius. None of her wealth is getting diluted to B list actors like Millie Bobby Brown or Susan Sarandon. But you’re telling me that I’m supposed to believe Mandy Moore can pull off a 75 year old woman dying of dementia? Mrs. Doubtfire was more believable. Anyways, I was so distracted by this absurdity that I couldn’t even tell you what else happened in the show. Also, I didn’t actually watch the final episode. Between the time travel and the main white guy being a total Josh Holloway wannabe, this was essentially the spiritual sequel to LOST, and if there was ever a show that didn’t need more air time, it’s LOST.

So back to June 14th here in Chicago. The heat index is currently 108 with about 60% humidity. Reminds me of Baltimore. It’s brutal. A lot of my Chicago folks aren’t used to this type of action. So as someone who has both lived in Chicago for multiple summers without AC (2014, 2019, and 2020), as well as someone who’s been to Orlando between February and November, I feel qualified to offer up some tips on how to stay cool during a Chicago heat wave. Read up!

  1. If you are lucky enough to have air conditioning, this may be the time to use it. You’ll have to feel it out for yourself, but 108 is pretty hot. I don’t know what sort of twisted sense of macho man syndrome you think you have, or if you think it’s funny to tell the world “Hey it’s 108 and I’m not using my AC,” but stop being a little attention whore already and just turn on the AC.
  2. Drink lots of water. Peeing every hour is preferable – If your pee is a darker shade of green, yellow, or red, you’re probably not drinking enough. If you don’t have running water, try smacking a fire hydrant with a comically large wrench and see if it bursts open. I think they did that in “Do the Right Thing.”
  3. If you’re going to run outside, try to do it before 7am. I know I know, waking up at 5:30am on a Tuesday morning then working a full day sucks, but not as bad as heat exhaustion. If you do run in broad daylight with a heat index at 108, make sure you post a selfie on Instagram afterward so everyone knows you’re hardcore. What’s the point of running in that kind of misery if you don’t tell people about it?
  4. Get creamed. Ice cream, I mean. But watch out – Thanks to supply chain issues, Joe Biden, and probably Russia, mini Blizzards at your local Dairy Queen (that’s a size smaller than Small for those who don’t know) might still cost $5. That’s crazy. When did DQ become the hangout for rich kids? You could get a 49c cone at McDonald’s back in 2014, and now this?
  5. Ice baths. They’re not just for the pros anymore. The only problem is you’re going to need a lot of ice trays. I have 3, which is a good start. If you’re like me, you like to enjoy yourself too while you’re cooling down – Try finding the emoji ice cube maker my friend Amy got for me back in 2017. Really a hoot.
  6. Jump in a lake. I don’t care which lake. I don’t want to just say “Lake Michigan” because my readers in Pakistan will have no idea what I’m talking about. Let me take this chance to say this to my friends in the Khyber Pass: مجھے نہیں معلوم کہ پاکستان میں کوئی اچھی جھیلیں ہیں یا نہیں، اس لیے کسی نقشے یا کسی اور چیز سے مشورہ کرنے کی کوشش کریں۔
  7. Learn Urdu. Not only will you be able to easily and quickly know exactly what I just wrote, it will also be a welcome distraction from your face melting off.
  8. Dip your toes in the ice machine at your local Dunkin. Those guys make minimum wage, and unless you encounter a really ambitious franchise owner, they are not going to care. Instant relief!
  9. Be a female, wear a skimpy bikini, go outside to do some sunbathing, show some cheeks, start an OnlyFans account, make big big $$$ off of thirsty guys who are still on step 1 or 5. You might still be hot, but at least you’re rich. If Corinna Kopf can do it, so can you.
  10. Just be thankful you don’t live in Baltimore or Central Florida.

So there you have it. I hope these tips help you in staying cool throughout this heat wave, or whenever life gets a little too hot to handle. Don’t forget that we’ve got new episodes of the Beantown Podcast every week without fail. See you there! Drizz out

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