Wow! If you know, you know, right guys? On Sunday night, HBO’s SHOCKING and EPIC and SEXY and apparently high school drama came to the epic and shocking Season Two conclusion. If you don’t know, Euphoria is a show with a lot of 30 year olds in it pretending to be high schoolers. At this point, I’m not sure if it’s meant to be a joke/parody, or if they’re completely serious in trying to pass off these middle aged people as 17, and at this point, I’m too afraid to ask. Anyways, it was the show everyone was talking about. It was wicked man. The vibes were like chill ya feel? WAZZZUUPPP. So yeah, if you thought ‘Oh Quinn, you don’t know hip lingo or you don’t have the chill vibes’ then you were wrong. So I’ve seen like 35 minutes combined of all the other episodes of this show, but I knew you guys, the Beanheads, would be craving my take on this one, so I spent an entire hour of my one day weekend watching the finale. Actually it was like an hour fifteen with credits! We didn’t watch the credits but I thought you should know.
I just want to say that it felt very catharctic to FINALLY have a show that portrays what high school is REALLY like. No class. No classes. A lotta drugs. Super white (ok that one is true for me). Hot moms. Hotter outfits. A lot of guns. It felt AMAZING to finally feel represented on the silver screen. Lady Bird was practically kindergarten. Now THIS is high school.
Before we recap what happened in the SHOCKING and EPIC Season Two finale, let’s meet the ensemble cast of characters. Again, these people more or less range from age 31 – 84.
Rue / Roux / Roo-Chains / Rootherford B Drugs – Portrayed by Zendaya (actual age, 31 or something). Supposedly this is the main character. She plays a drug addict. I think her father died this episode. There was a lot of jumping back and forth.
Kassie? I think? – Portrayed by Sydney Sweeney (actual age like 33 I think). Everyone hates her because she engaged in a consenting sexual relationship with a single guy, McSweeney, who we’ll talk about later. Idk I think she is america’s sweetheart.
Maddi – Portrayed by some 32 year old I don’t know (actual age I actually think she’s in her 30s). Apparently she used to date McDreamy. Now she’s just an Olivia Rodrigo wannabe. lame!!!
Lexi – Portrayed by Judd Apatow’s daughter (ok she’s probably only like 21). She dropped out of Northwestern after a year. Can’t handle the heat!!!!! Also everyone’s name has to end in “i” or “ie” or “y” to be on this show.
McSteamy – Portrayed by basically Walt Jr from Breaking Bad but worse (actual age has to be like 35). Everyone hates him apparently. I think he used to date Maddi, now he dates Kassi. I saw part of the first episode and he and Sydney were hooking up in a bathtub. It reminded me of me in high school, without the sex. What, I like baths.
Also, I don’t actually like baths. First, when you’re tall, there’s no way to fit entirely in the bath, so there’s always gonna be a part of you that is cold. Second, the whole thing is like a ticking time bomb. You make the water as hot as is tolerable, then when you can finally stand sitting in it submerged, you’ve got like 3 minutes before the water is too cold. Third, it’s really hard to properly wash your head/hair in the bath. When we were kids we would have a cup and you would dump water on your head like that big bucket at Magic Waters. You just get a bunch of soapy water in your eyes. You’re telling me this is supposed to be a relaxing experience?
Rue’s GF I think? – Portrayed by I have no idea (could be anywhere from 16 – 38). Idk, all she did this episode was tell Zendaya she misses her and she loves her. Didn’t Zendaya dump her in the SHOCKING and EPIC Season One finale? I think I heard that. Something to do with a train.
Fezcom – Portrayed by this one white guy (actual age – I’m positive this guy is like 42). I just learned during this episode his actual name is Fezco and no, he is not portrayed by Wilmer Vanderalma. You wanna talk missed opportunities, look no further. I think he is a drug dealer. The main antagonist of Euphoria.
Ashton “Kutcher” Ashtray – Portrayed by Fezcom’s brother (actual age – probably like 22 trying to be 7). This kid had it coming. Spoiler alert – He’s a cop killer. The main antagonist of Euphoria.
This other girl who I know nothing about but she is a little bit heavier (hard to say age-wise). I don’t mean to offend anyone. I literally don’t know anything about this one. I don’t think she had a line in this episode.
Rue’s mom (actual age like 83) – Total narc. Not cool mom.
McWaltJr’s Dad (60 year old trying to be a cool 45 year old). He lives in an abandoned warehouse with a transvestite and a guy in a speedo and I assume there was something illegal on that flash drive. Probably a deep fake.
Maddie and Kassi’s and Lexi’s Mom ? (actual age probably like 50 but she’s actually kinda hot). She’s someone’s mom, that’s all I know. The main hero of euphoria.
Ok so that’s basically it. There are a few other people like Roux’s sister, Roux’s dad who I think is dead, Mouse who I think everyone thinks is dead but he’s not actually dead, Fezcom’s girlfriend who is blonde and I don’t know anything about her, and I think that’s pretty much it. Oh and this one dweeb who played guitar for half the episode. Seriously, this episode was practically a musical.
So to recap in the episode, we’re basically inserted halfway into some weird community theatre play. I think it is directed by Judd Apatow’s daughter, who is either Maddie or Lexi, and I don’t really know what’s going on. There’s a blonde girl riding a merrie-go-round, and I think the horse is having sex with her? Sydney Sweeney is in the audience, so is Olivia Rodrigo, and then most of the other people too, including Rue. Also Rou’x funeral, oh wait no, her dad’s funeral, is happening right now. I don’t know if there is a time travel element to this show, it was not mentioned in the “Previously on” segment. So Sydney Sweeney is not happy about the sexually explicit content being featured, which makes sense because some of the people in the audience are supposed to be minors. So she basically interrupts the play, she’s like walking down to the stage and saying some gibberish I don’t understand at all. So she gets on the stage and starts talking, and she looks pretty rough, like she’s been crying a lot. Then the mom in the audience, who I think is her mom and Maddie’s mom, is like ‘oh no sydney come down from there’ and it is kinda awk because i don’t think this is planned. And Rue is in the audience doing the Michael Jackson popcorn thing. And Lexie is I think the writer of this disastrous play and she starts crying, probably cuz the acting is so bad. And sydney sweeney is just kind of grandstanding, then maddie comes up. I’m pretty sure they are feuding because sydney sweeney is dating mcdreamy now and maddie used to date him but she’s not over it so maddie is probably the main antagonist of Eurphora. Then they basically just start running around and it’s chaotic but there isn’t really any tension or entertainment value, they are kind of just running around. it’s really weird. And Roux and roue’s girlfriend keep looking at each other, spoiler alert, they’re gonna hook up off screen I think. And the bigger girl is there too. Is her name tanya? I think it is tanya. Oh and I just remembered this, there is an empty seat in the front row, apparently fezcom was going to be there. So eventually they all run off stage, but lexi is still there and she makes a speech which is dedicated to fezcom. Apparently she is crushing on him which is weird cuz he’s like looking REAL rough and is a drug dealer, but he stood her up, which is good cuz they do not have chemistry. And then they’re talking on the phone, I think this is in the future. Fezcom wants to live on a farm. I don’t know how he is going to peddle his drugs on a farm. Could be a good front though. I once saw an episode of justified where the guy was a butcher and he hid all his money in the hog carcasses. So just an idea.
Meanwhile while all this is going on mcdreamy is driving to the aforementioned abandoned warehouse where his father, Karl, lives. And he has a gun. I don’t actually know what McSteamy’s name is supposed to be. Looks like a Chaz. I’m going with Chaz. So Chaz walks into this warehouse, and it’s basically like the Count Olaf troupe from the Netflix adaptation of a Series of Unfortunate Events. We don’t get any explanation for who these people are or what is happening. I am pretty sure that Carl recently got divorced and is now semi-homeless. Chaz is NOT happy about that, so he has a gun. But he doesn’t do anything with the gun. It’s really weird. It doesn’t make any sense. Chekov is rolling in his grave. Nothing really happens, they just talk. I think Chaz was wearing a wire. Then the cops come, and Chaz gives them a flash drive. Lol, someone is living in the stone age. Karl gets arrested. There is no explanation given. Waste of a storyline.
Meanwhile while all this is going on we cut to Fezcom’s apartment. He is there with his blonde girlfriend. And Ashtry. and then this other guy, who apparently killed this one guy Mouse. We are not given Mouse’s real name. I would guess Justin. So Justin is apparently dead, and I think this other guy who is there, not justin, but this other guy, is wearing a wire, so he’s an informant, and he’s probably trying to get ashton or fezcom to say they killed mousse aka justin, but considering this all happened off screen, we don’t really know what’s going on. The blonde lady drops a glass and it shatters, then she starts to clean it up with her bare hands. What a dum dum. So then Ashtry kills the guy with the wire. Which is just about the most idiotic thing I can think of. You can’t just drop a police informant. Again, Ashtray is the main antagonist of Eurphoai. So then FEzcome is like “what did you do you little bitch?” and then the cops show up, understandably, because their informant was just murdered. So Fezcome is talking to Ahstry and he’s like “Let’s say I murdered this guy, not mouse, but the guy who was wearing the wire,” probably because Fezcom is already going away for life on drug charges. But Ashtray, who I think is a mute cuz he doesn’t really talk, is like “nah fam” and he grabs all these guns out of the washer dryer and locks himself in a bathroom, so the cops bust in, and Ashtray starts blasting wildly from the locked bathroom, and he even shoots Fezcome, which is a big twist because they were supposed to be good friends, so that was a surprise. Anyways, the blonde lady is on the ground, Fezcome is on the ground bleeding out, but I think he’ll be ok enough to make it in prison. The shooting stops, then the SWAT team opens the bathroom door, and that little bitch Ash absolutely blasts one of America’s finest right in the chest with a shotgun. Dude, not cool. So they go all Valkyrie on his ass and blow him to smitherines. FINALLY. That kid was awful.
And then there’s one other 5 minute scene where this Cordon Blue knock-off is playing guitar in his room and Rue is there. I think they used to hook up. He’s like “ooh bby can i sing you a song’ and she’s like ok sure. So he plays this really boring-ass song. For 4 unedited minutes. Who at HBO greenlighted this? biggest television debacle since the Dexter finale. I should watch that one too. Just the finale, I don’t need to see the rest.
So that was basically the episode. Rue and her ex lover might get back together, it’s unclear. Fezcom will probably die in prison cuz he is basically a cop killer. Maddie and Lexi and Cassie are all just in the school bathroom crying, apparently they’re friends again. McDreamy is kind of doing his own thing, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts hooking up with that one mom, like Stranger Things Season 2.
Overall, I did not care for this episode. Things were not explained very clearly. There was a cop execution. On HBO you often times get to see full nudity and there was no full nudity. My recommendation: Skip this one, and re-watch the Wire instead. 2 stars.
Quinn David Furness presents the Beantown Podcast 