So this past weekend was the Game of Thrones finale! WOW! I’d never seen an episode before but I know a lot of people are probably looking for a trusted source to provide some sort of recap. I get it–If you watch all of Game of Thrones, it takes like 73 hours, whereas I could just tell you exactly what happened on my Beantown Blog.
So in order to understand the series finale you have to know a little bit about what happened beforehand. So Sean Bean is Ned Stark and it’s looking like he’s gonna be the King of Game of Thrones early on but then it’s like the JFK Assassination and he dies at the end of season one. The next 6 seasons are just a lot of whodunnit type stuff where you try to figure out who killed Sean Bean and also why. It’s worth noting too that there’s this kid named Raisin Bran or Bran for short and he got pushed out of a window by a dragon I think. Then there’s Jon Snow who apparently is a ghost? Idk, they were saying something about a ghost. Then there’s the blonde chick, Emilia Clarke, and she’s not really important except she gave birth to some dragon eggs so she can control them so she’s pretty overpowered so it’s kinda silly what happens to her later but I’m getting there. Then you have Sophie Turner who is also not too hard on the eyes, seems like she’s kinda doing her own thing. Oh don’t let me forget about Peter Dinklage, who I know mostly from Elf but he’s pretty good in this one too. I think there are some KKK guys too but in Game of Thrones they call them whitewalkers but they weren’t in the finale so we don’t really have to talk about them. That was a big misstep by the writers. And the red wedding is where they killed Jaime Lannister I think? Idk, everyone’s always talking about Jaime but you don’t actually see him so I bet he died or the writers forgot about him. And there’s the young brunette girl who everyone was talking about a few weeks ago cuz she got nailed LIVE on TV and I would link you to that clip but it’s pretty NSFW and the Beantown Blog is a family operation. If you’re curious though from what I can tell it seems like Game of Thrones is mostly Emilia Clarke having sex. It’s kind of like Shameless but with dragons and Ed Sheerhan and less William H Macy. Did you know that he and Felicity Huffman are a couple but he avoided the college admissions scandal? That’s crazy. Good for him
So the Game of Thrones finale, which I think was titled something like “Lust for Power” or something opens and it kinda looks like Chernobyl after the reactor melted down, or present day Mississippi. A lot of crumbling buildings and apparently it’s snowing which makes sense cuz the motto of the show is ‘winter is coming’ which i thought was a sexual innuendo at first but now I’m not sure. So Dinklage is walking through the rubble in like super slo mo. Eventually he sees his grandparents who got killed in a building collapse of some kind, i didn’t really understand that part. Then Emilia Clarke comes out and she’s going like full on Julianne Moore from Hunger Games 3 mode, like I get that when you’re hot it boosts your self-confidence but this is taken to a whole new level. And I’ll also add she doesn’t speak english very well cuz I think she was giving a speech in some sort of congolese dialect? Not sure, I didn’t understand it. Then Jon Snow and Dinklage are just hanging out and also the young brunette girl who was getting nailed earlier and they kind of make it seem like something’s gonna go down but nothing goes down and it’s honestly a pretty big letdown.
So then they put Dinklage in prison because he’s short? Idk, I expected better from Emilia Clarke. They don’t really explain it but oh well. Then Jon Snow and Dinklage are talking in his prison cell for what seems like about 47 minutes and 13 seconds. It’s not even a compelling conversation. It’s rather bland. I don’t think the Jon Snow guy is really a good actor. Basically Dinklage wants Snow to get rid of Emilia Clarke which makes sense because Emilia is gonna kill dinklage I think but like if you’re Jon Snow and you get to come home to Emilia Clarke every night? Hot Dog. Photo for reference:
So then Jon Snow goes to the rooftop where Emilia Clarke’s hanging out and they talk a little bit but it’s not really that interesting. Then they kiss but then he stabs her! Like no one saw that coming. Honestly I kinda wished they would’ve banged before any killing because one of the big appeals of Game of Thrones is that it’s basically porn with swords but this episode didn’t have any of the former. So now she’s dead but then that dragon shows up. I heard she had a couple but apparently the other ones were busy. But then the dragon doesn’t kill Jon Snow which makes no sense and he just blows up the chair which is like ??? Then the dragon, I think its name was like Dungeon or something, takes off and you’re like is that it? And apparently that’s it, the dragon just leaves and doesn’t come back. walk away bitch. Then we get like this stupid fellowship of the ring style roundtable discussion with all these white dudes we’ve frankly never met before which is a real kick in the crotch for the last 30 minutes of an 8-season show. It also has Sophie Turner and Dinklage and the brunette who was getting it a few episodes and it also has the one token black guy. Every show has to have one. I think his name is Grey Hound. So Grey Hound is there with dinklage and he wants to kill dinklage but the council is like “whoa there hold on buddy” and there’s another 20 minutes of REALLY boring dialogue and eventually they choose the invalid who apparently didn’t die when Dungeon the Dragon pushed him out of the window in the previous season. Raisin Bran, I remember his name now.
So at the end apparently they let Dinklage go free and now he’s got a cushy job as like Raisin Bran’s chief advisor. Sophie Turner is also queen apparently? I guess she and Bran are married but I didn’t see that so must’ve been when I was in the bathroom. The brunette from earlier is doing some sort of Ponce de Leon crap, maybe looking for more exotic men to sleep with. I also forgot to mention Captain Phasma is in this show (she’s like 9 feet tall) but they don’t really give her anything to do. She’s writing in some sort of book which is a pretty clear rip off of Samwise Gamgee at the end of Return of the King but oh well!!! And they send Jon Snow to do KnightWatch with this other guy named Dortmund I think and they have a pet dog with red eyes and it seems like they’re mainly just shepherding immigrants through the woods? You don’t really know where they’re going or why they’re all the way up there, they don’t really do a good job of explaining it which was stupid.
And honestly that’s pretty much it. Everyone was always talking about all the sex and incest and Sean Bean and KKK dudes or ‘white walkers’ and Ed Sheerhan and Will Champion from Coldplay but honestly this finale was like 75 minutes of REALLY slow and boring conversation that really didn’t mean much and like 1 interesting set piece with Emilia Clarke and Jon Snow. So at the end of the day we didn’t learn anything more about Sean Bean’s killers OR his parents which sucked because it kind of seems like they just gave up on that storyline. Suffice to say I will not be watching anymore of this show!
Quinn’s rating: TWO THUMBS DOWN
Quinn David Furness presents the Beantown Podcast 