Dear Athletic Director James J Phillips,
My name is Quinn David Furness and you probably know me from that one time I went to a Northwestern basketball game. You also may have seen my middle school basketball highlights on Facebook or wherever. Jim, I’m gonna be frank. I live, eat, and breathe hoops and that’s the move. I’m gonna tell you exactly what you want: You need a fighter. You need a motivator. More importantly, you need your basketball program to start doing something, otherwise Morty is maybe not gonna be too pleased next time you negotiate your contract.
I’m kind of a maverick. Think Mark Cuban has a love child with Dirk Nowitzki, but whiter. In addition, you should see the pants I’m wearing right now. I call them my ‘Stepback Js,’ because when I throw them on, I just can’t miss. And lemme tell ya, this cover letter just can’t miss. Now, you might be wondering outside of my middle school glory days, how much experience do I really have. Allow me to introduce you to the Baltimore Volo City recreational league, co-ed, B group (below the A group), that met on Thursday nights at Francis Scott Key Elementary School last spring. Oh boy. Here is just a taste of my season stats: 0 points. A handful of assists. An absolute block machine down on the block, like J-Lo. What I lacked in offensive talent, I more than made up for in bulldog mentality, good looks, and Wildcat Spirit. Also charisma.
Here’s the thing: I am a family man. Just like our head coach, Chris Collins, is. Because his dad, Doug, used to be a good coach too. So we all love our families. Two weeks ago, and you may have seen this, on Facebook, I launched a poll for my friends asking them if I should get a kid in 2019. The results were overwhelmingly unanimous. 52-48% said yes I should. That’s better than Brexit. This displays how much I care for my family and also every Sunday we do a family chat that kind of resembles the ESPN program ‘Around the Horn’ with those guys from ESPN. Sports.
I have spent a lot of time on the northwestern campus in my lifetime. I did my graduate degree there and it took me almost 12 months. That’s longer than a basketball season. Let me ask you this: Have you ever seen ‘Moneyball?’ This is what I bring to the table. Brad Pitt’s looks combined with Billy Beane’s analytics combined with Bennett Miller’s directing. In college athletics, they are kind of the godhead three in one. In conclusion, I can touch the net. If you know what I mean.
Quinn David Furness