How to Lose 45 lbs in 5 Days the RIGHT Way

Yeah you heard me–It’s Quinn David Furness and we’re coming at you HARD with another fresh installment of the Beantown Blog. Before I jump into the juicy details of my incredible weight loss journey, I want you all to know that yes, beantownpodcast.com is still an active site. The problem is we haven’t been able to get all of our new podcasts on the ‘Podcasts’ page because of a technical glitch, but I’m blaming big tech. So for the time being, you can either access the most recent one from the home page, or you can find all our content on our SoundCloud page, or if you haven’t been accessing our content in the first place, just keep doing what you’re doing–I don’t get paid either way.

But let’s get to the good stuff–This entry is going to be bite-sized, you know, something you can read while sipping on your morning cup o joe or when you’re on the toilet with the runs from your morning cup o joe. By the way, I recently got the Evanston Township High School newsletter in my mailbox even though I didn’t go to ETHS. First I was gonna throw it away, but then I figured I would put it in my bathroom near the loo for visitors and guests to read. It has been a big hit. Many have reported calmer and less runny BMs as a result. Speaking of BMs, my weight loss!

You waited 3 paragraphs for this, so here’s the dirty little secret to how I lost 45 lbs in 5 days the RIGHT Way: 1) Develop extreme tonsillitis (it’s like regular tonsillitis but more extreme) with accompanying symptoms that mimic the flu; 2) Vomit and (apologies for language) shit your brains out until you’re not sure if what just came out was lunch from October or part of your liver; 3) Don’t eat anything for about 72 hours. Water and pills, it’s the only way to live your life! 4) This is optional, but I found it to really help out with that pesky water weight we’re always trying to lose before swimsuit season: Get that 103 degree fever going and don’t let up. If you feel it starting to break at any moment, throw on another quilt and ride the storm baby. Tell you what, I turned my boring queen-sized bed into a water bed after just 2 nights of ER-grade fever. 5) This is optional, but I find it helps for PR purposes. Many of you know the story of how I got alcohol poisoning on the Fourth of July many years ago and ended up vomiting on the Red Line on my way to work. Well, Wednesday night, despite feeling like pure death, I toughed it out and went to my focus group on ‘snacks’ for $125 (much to my chagrin it was not critiquing the new Daisy Fuentes 2020 calendar–look for an upcoming blog post on the negative effects of false advertising). On the way home, I knew there was no way I was going to make it, but where young Quinn would have foolishly tricked himself into believing he could make it all the way, I knew I had to either get off somewhere in Lakeview or it was gonna be all over. Well, literally all over me cuz where else are you supposed to vomit on a train? Shout out to the trash can at the Addison stop–you’re the real MVP. And shout out to my body for time and time again being excellent at giving me an approximately 60-second signal before I’m about to blow chunks–that is awfully impressive and saved me some trouble (note to 2015 Quinn on July 5th riding the Red Line south–listen to your gut man, literally).

Anyways, I’m down to 165 lbs and I’ve never felt more alive. I know what you’re saying–“Quinn, if you lost 45 lbs wouldn’t you only be down to somewhere right around 200 lbs?” Well, apparently the extreme tonsillitis can affect your ability to perform basic arithmetic as well. It’s really not my problem. I’ve gone down 3 pants sizes, my phone won’t even unlock for facial recognition anymore, and I just landed a part in my local community theater’s holiday production of Tchaikovsky’s ‘The Nutcracker’ as ‘Candy Cane #4.’ It’s a small part (literally) with relatively thin character development (again, literally), but I think it could really lead to something big. No one knew who Christian Bale was before ‘The Machinist,’ and now look at this guy. I’m a British accent and one public freakout at the lights guy away from getting a role in Terminator 7. I heard this is going to be the best one since Terminator 6. How many Terminators have there actually been? Can someone check? Christian Bale was in Terminator 4. I saw that by myself in theaters because my friends who invited me went to a different showtime without telling me. That’s the only time I saw a Terminator movie in theaters.