Let’s call it what it was: The Oscars were garbage

2019 Oscars Monlogue Opening

I’m not afraid to call it what it was. The Oscars this year were rough. Anyone who follows me on social media (Facebook and Twitter) knows I was not shy about my disappointment in this year’s awards, but it really started long before the ceremony even began. Let’s review…

First, the Academy announced they’d be adding a new category, “Best Poplar Movie” or something like that. I never understood the hype–How many movies are there about trees? I bet ‘The Lorax’ wishes it could have won that category. But then they took it away after some well-deserved negative press. Second, the Kevin Hart debacle. Actually, not even a debacle. I don’t have a terribly strong opinion on this one way or the other, but how could the Academy not do its research into Kevin’s past to see whether or not there were maybe any skeletons to take care of first? Smooth move, dumbasses. Third, they announced they were going to be handing out awards during commercial breaks. Now, in theory this isn’t the worst idea. But why can’t they do it with the awards no one cares about? Best documentary short, anyone? Or Best Director this year? Let’s round up all the locks and do them during the commercials. OR we could just cut down on the commercials. Honest to god–How many ad spots for ‘Whiskey Cavalier’ did we witness last night? One time when my dad and I were driving from Chicago to Tampa, FL we counted how many Waffle House signs we saw along the side of the interstate. The grand total was 88. For those of you who didn’t count, the ‘Whiskey Cavalier’ count was somewhere in the mid to high 50s.

Ok so the Oscars had some serious pre-game performance issues. That’s fine. You can still salvage it. How? With a dynamic, electric, young, hot, hip, and sexy host. Did I say young? Yeah, not turning 24 for another 3 weeks. Talk about a youth movement! They could’ve at least let that kid from ‘Stranger Things’ host. Which kid? I don’t care. Anyone but Millie Bobby Brown. So if you haven’t noticed already or if you aren’t yet tired of me spamming you with it, the video above was my take on the Oscars monologue. I had a lot of fun making it but it was also a ton of hard work. It got absolutely wrecked on Reddit so I had to take some gut punches but I really enjoyed it. It quickly became my most-watched YouTube video of all time, so thanks to those of you who DID attend the premiere. Plowing ahead here, I legitimately feel like I could write a solid 3-5 pages single spaced essay about why I didn’t love the Oscars this year, but honestly being hungover on a Monday is not necessarily the best environment to do that. I did that sort of thing as a rebuttal to ‘The Last Jedi’ and as much fun as that was, it takes it out of you. So instead of a super long post that takes a deep dive into all my issues, I’m going to give you the short list. Apologies for what I’m forgetting, because there was a lot.

  • The fashion was pretty gd boring. I’m not big into the Red Carpet in general, but it really wasn’t memorable in any significant way. Spike Lee going as Violet Beauregarde from ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ was p cool but otherwise it was so bland.
  • Ethan Hawke wasn’t nominated and thus wasn’t there. Travesty of Justice.
  • They didn’t show my monologue at the ceremony. I messaged about 50 nominees on Instagram and Twitter asking them to share it with the Academy tech people and so far no one has responded.
  • That Laura Dern plug for the new Academy Museum thing? What? Not only is this in bad taste, it was also just super awkward. Also Laura Dern. Come on.
  • Awkwafina. More like Awkwawful. I’m sorry. I just don’t get it. So bad. So very very bad. I remember watching her SNL episode and going into it with an open mind because I didn’t know her, but it’s just cringe after cringe every time she appears on screen.
  • Bohemian Rhapsody winning for Best Editing.
  • Glenn Close not winning.
  • Ethan Hawke and Timothee Chalamet not being nominated. Garbage.
  • Green Book? Really?
  • Bohemian Rhapsody and Black Panther won something like a combined 7 Oscars. What on Earth did we just witness?
  • Nothing (again) for Nicholas Britell. This guy is brilliant. Go listen to either the ‘Moonlight’ or ‘Beale St’ soundtracks and explain to me why he doesn’t have an Oscar.

I guess at the end of the day, I really just did not find the show either entertaining or funny, two important factors when determining success. 3 weeks ago was Super Bowl Sunday, yesterday was the Oscars. Both were gigantic letdowns. At this rate, I’m half-expecting the Kentucky Derby to end with all the horses getting shot and eaten at the post-game party. The blog haters will argue that the ratings for this Oscars were way up, but I believe that’s because of the hype for ‘Roma’ and Alfonso Cuaron. Here’s the deal–Mexico’s population is 129.2 million. If every person in Mexico watched the Oscars, that would easily explain the jump in Oscars views by approximately 4300% so it all adds up. Math is my strong suit!

Alright. Time to rest. And also time to stop thinking about the Oscars for awhile. It’s been a lot lately.

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